My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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