May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
