Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
