You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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