apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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