my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
