I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
