fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
