I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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