I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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