On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
