I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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