rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
