you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Randomize
