I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
