there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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