my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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