Your face is a jimmy john
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
