I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
