i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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