He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
