He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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