I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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