Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
