Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dicks are not precious.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
