I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
