The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
