I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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