Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
