i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
