i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
