i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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