My friends, they love my intelligence
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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