i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
