Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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