does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
