I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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