Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
