so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
