Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
