Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
