I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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