Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I need a burrito and a hug.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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