is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
