No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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