I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
