I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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