Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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