is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
