Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
